November 12, 2023
Good day to YOU, faithful reader! The topics of this month’s blog entries are going to center around my anxieties and fears. This will hopefully allow me to visualize and externalize my weaknesses and how to deal with them.
This month I am going to talk about my dogs. I currently have 2 beautiful Golden Retrievers ladies and they are at the center of our family. They are our fur-babies. We have always had Goldens and we have had to say goodbye to 2 other wonderful girls over the years. Most recently in December of 2022. Time to get in the way back machine.
1982
When I was growing up, we had many dogs but one was pretty special to me. Her name was Lady. She used to lay down with me on the floor while we watched TV or while I napped. She was a mix breed of Brittnay Spaniel and we never knew what else. My dad would take her small game hunting and she was a great bird dog. She was the family dog, but she looked out for me. Once a neighbor’s dog growled and rushed me and she got between us, barked and snarled and scared the other dog away. Everything was great until one day.
My mom used to jog daily from one end of our street to the other which dead ended at a freeway. Lady would go with her and keep a watchful eye for any danger. Instead of danger she spotted a rabbit. She went into hunting mode and chased after it, out into a field and across the freeway. Neither one made it across. My mom ran home and screamed for my dad. They hopped into the car, drove down to the dead end and my dad ran out into traffic and scooped up Lady into his arms. He held her as they sped back down the street intending to take her to the veterinarian, but her injuries were to severe. She died before they made it home. I never saw her after my parents brought her home. They told me what had happened, but I had guessed the worst based on my mom’s reactions. I remember helping my dad bury her in the back yard, and crying my eyes out. It was the first time we had lost a pet, that I was aware of, and it hurt. Bad.
Flash Forward to New Year’s Eve 1991. I was 16 years old, and my parents had left me in charge of my brothers while they went to a party. We had 4 dogs by this time. The oldest was Buck, a beautiful Irish Setter. He was born the same year as me and we had grown up together and 16 is old for any dog. He was blind and was having a hard time getting up and down and making it outside to do his business. Needless to say, I worried about him and being home alone and in charge weighed on me. I went down to check on him around 10pm and found him convulsing. He was in the midst of a seizure and there was nothing I could do to help him. It was at night, on a holiday, and my parents were gone. What was I to do? I held him and comforted him with soothing words, but I could do nothing. It hurt. He passed away shortly after midnight and covered him with a blanket. My parents did not come home until after 3am and I stayed up waiting for them. I cried as I yelled at them and told them about Buck. My mom tried to comfort me as I had done to Buck but I wanted none of it.
Ever since then we continued having dogs and when each one got old or sick, I would worry. They couldn’t tell us what was wrong or what hurt. It was a guessing game. I tried to harden myself, but dogs have a way of softening even the hardest person.
2003 had come and I was married, and my wife and I were trying for children. After 6 months of nothing, we decided to adopt a dog of very own. Brandy, our first Golden Retriever. She was the best. She would sleep with me during the day since I was working nights. She let my wife pet her ears while she was pregnant with our son. She lived to 16, just like Buck. She had lower back and hip issues. Just like Buck. She wanted to please us to the very end. It gets me emotional just typing this up. She was and will always be our first child. It traumatized me to have to put her down. I had never had to make that decision.
December 2021 to December 2022 was the worst year. Our 2nd Golden Retriever, Sophie, had started having seizures. I took the best care of her that I could but even with medication and me watching like a hawk, she too, had to be put down. She had had 4 seizures back-to-back and there was nothing we could do for her. Heartache returned and anxiety.
We have two Goldens, Holly and Charlotte and it hurts me when I can’t help them when they are hurting. Hell, sometimes I don’t even know when they are hurting. I get an upset stomach when I see them limping! I know that I cannot cure all their ills, but I need to make sure that they are cared for.
I have been so traumatized by my dogs over the years and it is getting to the point of not having one anymore, but then I look into their eyes and see the unconditional love that they have for us. It melts my heart and eases the anxiety, and time eases the pain from their loss. I love my dogs and fear their illness and death. Nobody wishes for anything bad to happen to their loved ones, but my mind does go to the dark what-if type places when I see a glimmer of a limp or a twitch while they sleep.
I just keep telling myself that I am doing everything that I can for them and if it is their time and God’s will, then I have to let them go. I’ll miss them all deeply and dearly for all my days and I hope that I see them all again on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.
Week in Review 11/05/2023 – 11/11/2023
11/05 Yard work and Halloween is put away.
Yard had been raked of all leaves, and all of the Halloween decorations have been stored away for another year!
11/06 Blog and new website is up and running.
New website has been uploaded and the new weblog, of which you are reading, is now caught up!
11/08 Joey came home to talk about Drum Corps International (DCI).
Well, my son wants to audition for and join the Drum Corps International group. If he is accepted it would mean he would be gone all next summer and it would cost $5k! Did I mention that it is in New Jersey? I didn’t? Well it is.
11/10 Ellie’s Drama show Almost, Maine.
My daughter’s senior year drama production of Almost, Maine was a success. It wasn’t half bad. It wasn’t half good either. It really seemed like it was written by high school kids.
11/11 Joeys Honors Band performance, brought Mom T.
We went to see my son’s performance in the OSU Honors Band. They played a selection of music by composer Randall Standridge. One specific piece, called “UnBroken” particularly moved my mom. It is about mental illness and how it affects loved ones. She has never had a moving experience with music before. After the concert, while we waited for Joey to come out, she had the opportunity to talk with one of the Professors of Music and Mr. Standridge! She was beside herself. I am glad that she had that experience!
TTFN!