Good day to YOU, faithful reader! The topics of this month’s blog entries are going to center around my anxieties and fears. This will hopefully allow me to visualize and externalize my weaknesses and how to deal with them.
This month I am going to talk about my kids. They are teenagers and are nearing their first steps as adults in this terrible world. I worry about their health and well-being the most. My son has started college, and my daughter is a senior in high school. They are doing quite well academically and are beginning to find their place in the world. I am so proud of them, and I feel that they are going to be happy and successful.
However. When they tell me that they are not feeling well, my stomach jumps on the roller coaster of anxiety, and I start to worry. Most times it is nothing to worry about, a cough that is just a cold or allergies, or a stomachache that is due to junk food consumption. But when my daughter tells me she has the shakes (which is ultimately due to needing to eat or drink water) my anxiety skyrockets.
I know that the root cause is due to her previous bout of Cerebellar Ataxia when she was 3yrs old. The other possible reason is because I can’t fix the issue and help her, I feel helpless and weak. I am not a doctor, but they look to me for answers. I hate that I cannot help. I know that all I can do is make a doctor’s appointment and take her there. Once there, it is out of my hands, but she is now in the care of her doctor. Then I can relax, at least a little bit, until the diagnosis is given.
I worry about my son’s health a lot less because he takes after me and has a hearty constitution. I worry most when he calls me. The root cause of that is stupid. He called me two times after he had had auto accidents. Neither one was in any way bad but now I am programmed to worry when I see his face on my phone. Only time will wear that down.
Ultimately, I think that my anxiety spikes when I cannot help them. When the circumstances are out of my hands or control, I am weak, I am helpless, and I cannot save them.
I know that I won’t be there for them forever, but I want them in my life for however long I have left. I am scared that when they leave, they won’t ever come back (which is also stupid). I am excited for their future, but terrified of what that may be. I have cared for them their entire lives and now I have to let them go. I know that they are ready, but I am not. I want to hold them in my arms like when they were little. I want them to run to me with open arms like when they were little. I want them to say they love me and throw gang signs when I leave the house for work. I miss them already.
What can I do to help myself? Well, there are some options such as meditation, prayer, talk with someone or medication. Which should I pick? All of the above. Is there a right answer? No, there is no right answer and there is no ONE answer.
I have found that I have to identify my anxiety level. If it is low or just starting, I start deep breathing and meditating. I breathe in deep and exhale my anxiety and worry. I pray to GOD and my dad to help me with my worry. I talk to my wife and mom and friends to get it out and ask for help. When it is super bad, I do have medication to help. But I have found that, in some fashion, they all work.
The best answer that I have found, is asking for help. This is key. “I need help.” “Help me, please!” We cannot do this job on our own. I have friends and family that are willing to help. Even if that is just by lending a sympathetic ear.
Whoo! That was deep and cathartic. Thank you.
Week in Review – Major Milestones or Important Events that happened since the last update.
10/29 – Carved Pumpkins and Covered Camper for the winter.
The annual tradition of carving pumpkins while watching “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” and “Garfield Halloween!” continues! My son came home from college and carved with us and we all had a great time! I carved mine like 3-year old monkey while my family carved masterpieces! Try to guess mine!
We finally got the camper home, winterized and covered at our storage place. It has been a long journey from August to now. I am still feeling some stress about it, but it is waning.
10/30 – Wife Weight Loss Surgery
My wife’s elective weight loss surgery has begun! She went in and had Gastric Stomach-ectomy? She came out of surgery relatively quickly and was doing well. She really wanted to sleep and the nurses wouldn’t let her. Nothing was wrong, they were just monitoring her. She is a trooper and I have been her nurse/caregiver/chauffeur and all around johnny-on-the-spot!
10/31 – Happy Halloween!
Halloween Blog Post
11/03 – Direct Deposit Issues
My wife informed me that my paycheck from work was not posted to the bank account. I did some checking and it was hit or miss on who was affected. It turned out that the actual issue was with the Federal Clearinghouse! Several hundred thousand people were affected nationwide! My bank was nice enough to post my money in an amount that was similar to what I usually received until they received the transfer from the FCH! My issue was resolved on 11/06 but it is still affecting others.
11/04 – Band Auction Banquet, and I won the Golden Ticket!
My wife and I attended the Band Auction and Banquet which was an event just due tothe fact hat she couldn’t eat anything! I was asked to eat $130 worth of food! Yeah, that didn’t happen. What did happen was that at the beginning of the banquet portion we all had to select a numbered disk from a small bag. I got #6. Then the MC stated that he had also drawn #6! I won a small box that was the centerpiece of the table. I opened it and it was full of candy! I thought it was over, until the MC stated that one of the boxes contained a Golden Ticket. I looked again and didn’t see anything. I then over turned it onto the table and lo and behold! The Golden Ticket!
One of the band dads, Mr. Jason, suddenly appeared dressed as Willy Wonka with a present wrapped in golden paper!
Everyone wanted to know what was in it, so I tore it open to discover a golden bottle of First Class Vodka, a bottle of Merlot and a $100 gift card to Target! The auction hadn’t even begun and I was already a winner! We bid on various other items throughout the night and won 2. Free lessons for my daughter with her mentor and a NEST camera!
TTFN!